Deadly Affairre: The toast of 80's teen Yorkshire

……Dateline 1986: Deadly Affairre appear at Goole Dockers Club having transcended their early Sergeants incarnation to become the North’s favourite teenbeat popsters (apart from the Gents, like).
No better than average musically, the group’s good looks and ahem, sharp dress sense are the key to winning the hearts and minds of the Northern sisterhood.
This notwithstanding, conquering the New Jerseyesque heartland of Yorkshire (and Humberside) is a straightforward matter of digging in and playing the hovels that John West rejects, often for negligible reward, in an effort to become well known. The hard day’s nights pay off and by the time of Goole Dockers, there isn’t a stage capable of taming their exciting stage charisma (it says here).
‘84/’85 are the years that the Deadly Affairre legend is created. They play the biggest rooms, win the hands of the fairest maidens and lay down tracks in the most prestigious studio in Oldham.
Sadly, 1986 will be the Deds last hurrah. Sex symbol keyboard player Vaughan Darbishire quits mid-year, tired of the petty squabbles over the group mascara. He then forges a successful career in pub management, a field in which he excels. These days, he heads up his own leisure consultancy firm VD Inc and does a bit of part time roofing with his dad, Fred.
Guitarist Dean Dales is dramatically fired (or quits, depending on who you believe) shortly after Vaughan hands in his notice. Dean’s misappropriation of group funds having become obvious even to the ever-gullible Duncan and Paul. Perhaps the most damning indictment of his fraudulent ways is the appearance of a smashing new video recorder (with remote control!)in his parent’s lounge, which certainly isn’t paid for out of his dole money. Others recall Paul storming into top Featherstone nite spot, Club Central, to rip out the band’s lighting system, which Dean accidentally sold without telling the band. Once the gravy train leaves town, Dean carves out a living as a gentleman’s hair stylist until a long slide into the deprivations of cocaine hell and incarceration at Her Madge’s pleasure. His current whereabouts remain a mystery. At least to Vaughan who hasn’t seen the robbin’ cunt since foolishly lending him twenty quid in 1991.
Handsome Deds front man Paul Banfield beomes bass player and co-lead singist in popular club turn Election Day, before retiring to skipper a pike fishing boat at Ponty Park lake. At the time of writing, he is rumoured to be reforming his first band, popular mods the Sergeants, with Duncan Massey, Andy Ham and original Sergeants ace face, Ric ‘Slowhand’ Nye…..


Adapted from the book Where’s The Money, Dean? A Deadly Affairre Memoir.
Soon to be a major motion picture starring Nicholas ‘You Plonker,Rodney’ Lyndhurst as Dean

© 2002 Duncan Massey/Sergeants Inc.

RIP Dean Dales 2005. Not so funny now , is it Dunc?